Life in (Gender) Transition
My ever-continuing journey as a transgender woman has not followed the commonly understood narrative of many trans people who usually know from a young age that their gender is different to their sex assigned at birth. There are some moments in the past where I have reflected on which may have been very subtle signs, such as trying on my mum’s skirt or bra one time, or wearing lipstick to see how it felt, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.
Reflecting on my efforts growing up and trying to be a ‘successful’ boy, I was never really good at any sports, felt like I didn’t quite have a masculine body, and I preferred to hang out with the girls in my year as opposed to the boys (I didn’t particularly like the way in which boys talked about girls in an objectified way).
The moment I realised that there was something up with my gender identity was during my high school formal. As I sat at my table with a plate stuffed full of food from the buffet and stared at the dancefloor, I questioned why, as a boy, that I had to wear the same old suit as my fellow boy peers, whilst the girls were wearing all these pretty, bright, and sparkly dresses?
Naturally, being a young adult and discovering where I fit in the world led me to exploring more of this initial thought. Nervous as heck, I walked in to my local department store and bought my very own dress (which turned out to be three sizes too big - women’s clothing sizes are much more nuanced than men's sizing). I remember getting home and trying it on and looking in the mirror. I experienced many feelings, but ultimately I knew that I liked the feeling of wearing a dress.
At the time, growing up as a boy taught me to view and perceive what it means to be a woman through the male gaze; that women were sexualised and objectified objects which sought and desired the attention of men, to be skinny, wear body-hugging outfits, and have flawless make-up.
The questions of ‘Am I gay? Or ‘Am I a crossdresser?’ therefore crossed my mind numerous times. I did not know much about transgender people early on in my journey, so that didn’t occur to me at that time. Deep down, I knew that being a gay man never really fit, but I still tried to make it work. The crossdresser identity fit for a little while, but my feelings about my gender transcended beyond the clothing I wanted to wear. Gender identity is much more than our external appearance, but admittedly it played a big impact on finding my true gender identity.
Not only did I want to dress and present as a woman, but I also wanted to walk, talk, act, take on traditionally women's roles in personal and professional life, and have a girl gang to create long-lasting memories and to grow old with. It was at this moment which I realised I was a transgender woman.
Changing the trajectory of life’s intended gender path for me has been one of the most challenging parts of my life, and I haven’t looked back ever since. Years and years of denial, suppression, hiding, acceptance, and embracing myself has certainly been a journey, but looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
The year 2022 has certainly felt like the true start of my journey. Coming out to all my friends, immediate family, and at work this year, never would I have imagined that I’d be out and proud in all aspects of my life, but it is now a joyful reality.
It certainly feels like a second puberty for me, with all the upcoming changes in store for my legal name and the physical and emotional changes which await my body, but I'm ready for it. With all the support and love from my friendship group and a safe home, I know that even more brighter days are ahead of me in the near future.
